Unknown: Francis, how many times do I have to tell you, you cannot just drop the F-slur!
Mark: Um ... I think you have the wrong number.
Unknown: Don’t play dumb, Francis. Listen, I know a lot of your clergy ARE gay, but you don’t get to use the F-slur. The optics are really bad here!
Mark: I’m Mark. I don’t even know a ‘Francis.’
Unknown: Oh.
Mark: Yeah, you’ve got the wrong number. Best of luck with Francis. Sounds like a PR nightmare.
Unknown: I don’t have the wrong number.
Mark: Dude, it’s fine, it was an accident, but you definitely have the wrong number.
Unknown: No, I know you’re not Francis, but I don’t have the wrong number. I can’t, it’s theologically impossible.
Mark: Man, you’re on something. I think I should just block you.
God: NO! MARK! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! I am literally holding the fabric of reality together and if I make a mistake, then reality makes a mistake, and suddenly we’re in a timeline where raccoons are in charge of the stock market.
Mark: Honestly, that might be an improvement. But seriously, which scam center do you work for?
God: You calling heaven a scam center? Not entirely inaccurate, but RUDE
Mark: Sure God, whatever you say. Maybe if you actually answered a prayer once in a while, it wouldn’t feel so scammy
God: Do you have any kids, Mark?
Mark: Yeah, I’m actually at my daughter’s soccer game right now. My wife keeps glaring at me. I think she’s pissed that I’m texting instead of watching our girl.
God: Well I have over 8 BILLION! And they all want something ALL THE TIME
Mark: You should’ve used a condom
God: middle finger
Mark: Real mature
God: Whatever. Now back to the point: I didn’t mean to text you, but I did, so I HAVE to have meant to. It’s the only way the whole omnipotent/perfect being thing works
Mark: That’s ... wild. What happens if you make a mistake?
God: That’s the whole thing, I CAN’T. I mean, I do, but I don’t, ya know? The fate of the universe kinda depends on it.
Mark: The fate of the universe depends on you figuring out how to rationalize texting a wrong number?
God: Today, yes. Tomorrow it’ll be something else.
Mark: I’m glad I don’t have your job. So, how are you going to make it work?
God: ... Good question.
God: Oh! A Divine Outreach Program! I do cold texts to randomly selected individuals now, as part of my new omnipresence strategy.
Mark: But now that you’ve done it once, wouldn’t you have to keep doing it? Do you really have time for that?
God: Good point, I’m already backlogged on prayers.
God: Quantum mechanics! It always solves everything! Technically, I texted the wrong number, but also, since time is nonlinear for me, I also knew I would do that and chose not to stop myself. So it’s both a mistake and not a mistake.
Mark: But if you both made and didn’t make a mistake, you still made at least half a mistake. Does the universe accept half credit?
God: Ugh, no, they’re sticklers. Schrödinger tried to leave it ambiguous, but the universe filed a formal complaint. It was a whole thing.
God: I’ve got it! Mark, listen. Francis isn’t a person. Francis is an idea. And I think, deep down, you know that. Maybe, in a way, we’re all Francis.
Mark: But you meant to text a specific instance of a Francis, and I was clearly the wrong instance.
God: STOP BEING SO LOGICAL
God: Ok. I think you needed a distraction. A reminder that the universe is weird and sometimes hilarious. Consider this a cosmic mental health check-in.
Mark: If it’ll get me out of this conversation, fine. But why am I paying for therapy if you could just talk to me for free?
God: NO MORE QUESTIONS I FINALLY SOLVED IT LEAVE IT ALONE
Mark: FINE! Jeez, who knew God would be so frustrating
God: Omniscience would make anyone annoying, trust me. Now watch your daughter’s match, she’s about to score, and your wife is gonna be pissed if you miss it
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