I’ve often wished for a button I could slam my palm against and—poof—men are a thing of the past. The ultimate lesbian dream.
“But Cipher,” I inevitably hear, “not all men are bad. Only some of them.”
Really? The Not All Men argument?
sigh
Fine. You want to go down that road? Let’s go.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The “Not All Men” Deflection: A Masterclass in Missing the Point
There are plenty of things we say that are technically true but still manage to derail conversations that actually matter.
"Not all men" is one of them.
When men say "Not all men!" they aren’t wrong, but they are changing the subject.
Instead of addressing the problem women are talking about, they shift the conversation to their own innocence.
Which means instead of talking about how to fix male violence, we waste time reassuring men that we don’t think they’re the problem.
See how that works? It’s a deflection.
And from the perspective of pretty much any woman, it might as well be.
For any individual man, the difference between him and a “bad man” feels obvious:
Bad men hurt women. He doesn’t do that.
Bad men think women belong in the kitchen. He doesn’t think that.
Bad men think women’s only purpose is to please them. He doesn’t believe that.
You know you’re safe. I don’t.
That’s the whole problem. Bad men don’t come with warning labels. They don’t announce themselves. They don’t wear “predator” t-shirts.
They look like normal guys. They act like normal guys—until they don’t.
So yeah, we treat you all like a potential threat. Because we have to.
And it’ll stay all men until it’s a negligible amount of men.
The Nice Guy™: When “Kindness” Comes with Strings Attached
You can prove yourself through your actions, sure. But even that isn’t the foolproof method you think it is.
Have you heard of the “Nice Guy”™?
Not a guy who’s just generally decent. I mean the guy whose entire personality is being a Nice Guy.
You know him. You’ve met him.
“No girls like me. I’m too nice. I’m a gentleman, but they only like the bad boys.”
“Where’s my hug?” (Said while approaching, arms stretched wide.)
“I’m such a good guy! Why do I always finish last?”
Hehe. That last one is my favorite. He’s not finishing last—he’s not finishing at all.
And of course, the self-pity classic:
“I guess I’m just too ugly for any female to want me.”
Buddy, your looks are the least ugly thing about you.
The Nice Guy™ Pipeline: From Self-Pity to Violence
“But Cipher,” you might say. “Yeah, he sounds annoying, but I’m not seeing anything actually harmful here.”
That’s the game. A puppy-dog enthusiasm masking a dangerous sense of entitlement.
And for a lot of them? Any woman will do.
But sometimes, the entitlement isn’t just whiny Facebook statuses and weird DMs. It escalates.
Take the Isla Vista killings.
The murderer—whose name I won’t bother including here, I'm not in the business of immortalizing misogynistic murderers—believed he was owed sex, companionship, and attention from women.
He saw himself as a Nice Guy™. A gentleman. A victim of women’s irrational cruelty.
He wasn’t unattractive, he argued.
He wasn’t an abuser (until he was).
He had money. He had status. He had done everything right.
And still, women didn’t want him.
So, in his mind, there was only one conclusion:
Women were the problem.
And he set out to punish them.
That’s the thing about The Nice Guy™. It rarely stays harmless forever.
At first, it’s just frustration. Just venting. Just a little bitterness.
But it festers. It morphs into resentment. Into manipulation. Into coercion.
And sometimes? Into violence.
How Male Fragility Hijacks the Conversation
Even when it doesn’t escalate to outright violence, this entitlement poisons conversations.
It derails important discussions about women’s safety because men refuse to sit with even a little discomfort.
And that brings me to a conversation I had recently with my uncle.
If The Nice Guy™ says, “I deserve women’s attention and appreciation for being good,”
Then Not All Men™ says, “I deserve exemption from criticism for being good.”
My response to both?
No, you don’t.
The Not All Men™ Spiral: From Defense to Nonsense
After I posted a Facebook post emphasizing that it is—and has to be—all men until it’s a negligible amount of men, my uncle (who rarely speaks to me anyway) reached out.
“In his duty as my uncle.”
To let me know that he wasn’t offended, but he was concerned that I probably offended other people.
His response?
“It ISn’t all men. My personal actions in the helping and support of others shows proof of that. I can only control myself though. I might very well be a part of YALL, I am though not in fact in control of ALL. Hence and therefore, being lumped into a mass group is a little insulting and hurtful.”
Oh, we’re using "hence and therefore" now?
My guy. Are you submitting a legal brief? Are you fighting for custody of your fragile masculinity in a court of law?
Pick one. You don’t need both.
But okay. His core complaint is that he’s a good man, so being "lumped in" with bad men hurts his feelings.
A rational person might stop there.
But Jay? Oh no. Jay went on.
"I have literal scars up and down all sides of my body from protecting and helping others. From protecting Americans as a whole, minority groups of all types, and criminals from questionable law enforcement."
…Wait, what?
Sir, what does protecting criminals from questionable law enforcement have to do with anything I said?
At this point, I should have just walked away. But I was in too deep.
My response?
"As an individual, you may feel that you are doing what you can, and that’s good, but frankly, it’s not enough until it actually impacts the large amount of men who are violent and bigoted. This response puts the blame back on women to manage and cater to men’s feelings."
Did he like that?
Oh, absolutely not.
“I guess I am still part of ALL because I am not a vigilante?”
Ah yes. When in doubt, invent a problem that was never mentioned.
I never said he had to be Batman. I never said he had to go patrolling the streets.
I said: Hold other men accountable.
Call out sexist jokes.
Push back when men excuse harassment.
Stop other men before they escalate.
That’s the bare minimum.
And if you won’t even do that, then be honest: What exactly are you arguing for?
A world where men never have to change? Where women just accept violence as inevitable?
Or do you just want us to stop talking about it?
Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? The point of “Not All Men” was never change. The point was to shut women up.
And silence is complicity.
Why Is It Always Women’s Job to Fix Men?
Women aren’t just expected to educate men—we’re expected to hold their hands and soothe them while we do it.
“You need to consider his feelings.”
Yeah, I know. That’s all we do.
Meanwhile, women of color have been saying this forever:
It’s not our job to educate you.
They’re right. White women just spent longer believing that if we found the perfect words, men would finally listen.
History shows they probably won’t.
Women already do more than enough.
We’ve been explaining this for years.
We’ve written the books,
had the conversations,
called out the behaviors.
Men just aren’t listening.
That’s why the burden is on them to educate themselves—not on us to say it one more time, just a little nicer.
“But if we don’t teach men, who will?”
I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this:
No one.
At the end of the day, men have a choice.
They can take responsibility for learning—or they can keep making it our problem.
But women? We don’t owe them a single second more.
The Takeaway
No one owes you an education.
Your emotions are yours to manage.
You can let people sit in their discomfort.
You do not have to soften your words.
If you do choose to engage, be conscious of how much of your effort is going to education vs. emotional management.
Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s this:
Women aren’t just tired—we’re done talking to brick walls.
And if you’re still sitting here wanting to scream, “Not all men!”
I suggest you go back and reread. Or pick up a book.
Feminism and Gender Bias: Where to Start
Invisible Women – Caroline Criado-Perez
Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny – Kate Manne
The Second Sex – Simone de Beauvoir
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