DM Notes by God, Creator of the Universe, Reluctant Dungeon Master
Campaign Title: The 21st Century Is a Dumpster Fire
Session Log: I am tired.
Current Arc: "History Repeats Itself: The Sequel No One Asked For."
Party Alignment: Collective Chaotic Stupid.
The PCs and Players
Michael | America (Chaotic Neutral Paladin) |
Gabriel | The Internet (Wild Magic Bard/Sorcerer) |
Raphael | Capitalism (Lawful Evil Warlock) |
Uriel | Russia (Chaotic Evil Barbarian) |
Azrael | The Catholic Church (True Neutral Cleric) |
Lucifer | China (Lawful Evil Wizard/Rogue) |
Recap:
The players said they wanted more combat last campaign, but we all saw how the 20th century went. I decided I wasn’t doing that to myself or humanity again, so this campaign was supposed to be a bit of a breather - more of a slow-burn toward enlightenment. I tried, ok? Honestly, I should TPK at this point, but I know I can get them back on track! I have a master plan, the idiots just need to LISTEN!
Here’s what happened last session.
God: Ok America, you need to elect a new leader. What’s your plan?
Michael: Well I definitely want to run Trump again, but Biden is so booooring. I want to switch him out for Kamala.
God: Roll Persuasion to convince Biden to step aside. We’ll make it a DC 10. Biden’s really old, isn’t he?
Michael: Yeah, but you know I have no persuasion modifiers! rolls I got a 15!
God: Nancy Pelosi holds Biden at gunpoint until he agrees to step aside. Kamala is in the race!
Michael: Great. But who should win?
Uriel: You should go for Trump, Putin misses his buddy.
Lucifer: You just want Trump cuz he’s so easy to manipulate.
Micheal: Hey! No, he’s a great business man!
Lucifer: If he’s so good at business, why is he ripping off his MAGA followers with gold sneakers and a new Bible?
Michael: You know what, I’m gonna prove how great he is! He’s gonna be the next president of the United States of America! He’s gonna make America GREAT again!
God: Are you sure, Micahel? The last time you made Trump president, things went ... badly .. for America.
Michael: No, I’m sure, it’s gonna be different this time. It’s gonna be BETTER.
God: But Kamala could be–
Michael: Nope, just tell me what I need to roll.
God: Fiiiiine, but it’s not going to be easy. You’ll need a Deception 20 to pull it off, since everyone knows Trump is a massive liar this time around. And you have disadvantage since it’s a self-aware check.
Michael: Aw man, fine. rolls Damn it, I got a 7.
God: Oh well, I guess that means Kama–
Gabriel: Wait! The Internet wants to do a help action!
God: What? Gabriel, no, please–
Gabriel: I’m gonna use Misinformation Surge, and I lower the Deception DC to ... rolls 5!
Michael: OH MY GOD THAT MEANS I DID IT! FREEDOOOMMMMM!!! mimics an eagle’s caw
God: slouches forward, banging head against the table No, not again, whyyyyy
Uriel: Donald. Finally, you return. Without you, things were… how do you say? Boring. Predictable. Weak men, weak leadership. But now? exhales, almost wistful Now, the game begins again.
Michael: Putin, my good friend. Probably the greatest friend out of all my really great friends ... I have a lot of them. It’s good to be back. We’re gonna do a lot of great things together, probably the greatest things anyone has ever seen. They’ll say “Wow, I didn’t know they could be so great, but they are. They’re really, really great.”
God: Someone shoot me now.
Lucifer: Ready to TPK yet?
God: unintelligible murmuring
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