DM Notes by God, Creator of the Universe, Reluctant Dungeon Master
Campaign Title: The 21st Century Is a Dumpster Fire
Session Log: This isn’t even a session
Current Arc: "History Repeats Itself: Now with More Arguing!"
Party Alignment: A TPK That Hasn’t Admitted It Yet
Recap:
The players swore they’d focus this campaign. They promised me. No more random invasions, no more spiraling side quests, no more burning civilizations to the ground just because they could.
We were supposed to have a nice, structured session today. Plot progression. Character growth. But instead ...
At this point, I don’t know why I even bring out the DM screen. This isn’t a campaign—it’s an unsupervised after-school fight club with a $31 trillion national debt.
I swear to Myself, next session, I’m giving them all cursed items just to see what happens.
The PCs and Players
Michael - America (Chaotic Neutral Paladin)
Gabriel - The Internet (Wild Magic Bard/Sorcerer)
Raphael - Capitalism (Lawful Evil Warlock)
Uriel - Russia (Chaotic Evil Barbarian)
Azrael - The Catholic Church (True Neutral Cleric)
Lucifer - China (Lawful Evil Wizard/Rogue)
God: sees Lucifer and Uriel whispering together
God: What are you two plotting?
Uriel: Nothing! I don’t wanna conquer the world, never have, never will!
Lucifer: rolls his eyes
God: Lucy, what are you guys planning?
Lucifer: 1. I told you not to call me Lucy. It’s Lucifer. Just because you decided on this whole free will thing doesn’t mean you get to give me a bad nickname. 2. I ain’t tellin you shit. That’s how I’m using my free will.
God: Lucy, you’re a pain in my ass.
Lucifer: For that, I think I’m invading Taiwan this session.
Michael: If you dare, America is gonna crush you! RALLY THE TROOPS!
Uriel: Ignore him, Lucifer, he’s got enough on his plate already. Smirks
Lucifer: casually playing with a D20 What if I just ...
God: Okay, okay, let’s not. How about–
Azrael: Wait a minute, I have my own issues here! China keeps overriding The Catholic Church’s authority!
Lucifer: Whatever do you mean, little brother? The CPP has embraced Catholicism with open arms and hearts, what more could you ask for?
Azrael: You know what you’ve been doing, you snake.
God: puts head in hand and sighs Okay, Az, what’s he been doing?
Azrael: He keeps appointing bishops without consulting the Vatican!
Lucifer: Why wouldn’t I appoint the best clerics possible? What, do you want to micromanage me? Don’t you have your own issues right now?
God: He’s right, Az, you do have some issues. That pope of yours is a PR nightmare.
Azrael: He said the F-slur a couple of times, and he apologized! It’s not a big deal.
Gabriel: scrolling on his phone I don’t know, it’s gone pretty viral on Twitter–I mean X! Damn if I’d have known Elon would rename it to something so stupid, I wouldn’t have let him buy it. Twitter was so good, it had a mascot, a cute little posting sound–
God: Come on guys, let’s get back on track! We’ve got a whole climate crisis happening, don’t you want to–
Raphael: Yes! We need to talk about the Earth. About our resources. Specifically, I need more of them. Crypto is a bitch to mine, and Michael, it doesn’t help that Trump launched a new one.
Michael: He’s trying to boost the economy!
Gabriel: still scrolling Everyone thinks it’s a pump-and-dump scheme.
Uriel: That makes sense, isn’t he super in debt? Legal fees and shit?
Michael: sweating He doesn't need that money, he’s like a trillionaire! It’s not a scheme! You’re just jealous cuz America has the biggest economy–right, guys? Right?
God: No one cares. Are we actually going to play, or–
No, we never got to actually playing. Apparently my very mature and responsible angels would rather bicker across the table, hoarding all of the snacks, than shape the course of human history.
I don’t just need a TPK. I need new players. Hell, I need a new DM! Maybe I’ll flood the world again. You know. For a vacation.
Uriel threw one piece of popcorn at Michael, and of course, then it was World War III. No one was safe. Well, Lucifer managed to walk out without any popcorn in his hair ... I’m not sure how he managed that. Even I got hit more than a few times and walked away with kernels in my beard.
Anyway, maybe next time we'll actually have a productive session.
Who am I kidding, no we won't. This campaign is doomed.
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